Victims of Communism and Their Persecutors
Victims of Communism and Their Persecutors attempts to analyze from a mediator’s, facilitator’s and negotiator’s perspective the Communist crimes in terms of emotions, intentions, actions and reasons, with both the victims’ and the perpetrators’ testimony, of what is commonly called in Europe the Red Holocaust, with particular focus on Romania. It goes to the sources of intergroup conflicts, its cognitive factors, its implications for understanding and will make some recommendations for compensatory resolutions. It does that by presenting an overview of several micro and macro-level approaches to understanding the origins, the nature and the dynamics of this conflict, as well as, of possible healing. It details several psychological, social, economical, political, systematic, and cultural perspectives that have led to and are still making innocent victims, from Cuba to China, in the name of Marxism and of the Communist Party.​

Happiness in Our Daily Lives​ by Gabriel Gherasim

​Happiness in Our Daily Lives. It is a self-help book on how to maintain a positive attitude in life even under trying circumstances. While the issue of happiness as a choice has been amply explored in previous successful books, I believe that my book fills a void in this matter: it addresses the causes of happiness and it suggests techniques to reach and maintain it daily, even in such locations as hospitals, prisons, serving people with physical and mental disabilities, when facing bio-socio-chemical and psychological imbalances, or simply when one is bored and disenchanted about life. It also addresses happiness in the midst of spiritual crises, as an expatriate, as a refugee, as a worker doing menial jobs, as an aging individual and as a supportive person of family going through the ordeals mentioned above.​

The Story of the Queen Bee and Children's Corner​

The Story of the Queen Bee and the Children's Corner is a fairy tale and poetry book. I want to thank my father Teodor Gherasim for teaching me to love bees. From Teodor's grandfather who taught young Teodor bee-keeping, to Teodor's son who wrote this book on the Queen Bee, the family tradition of loving and appreciating the bees' endless work continues. This fairy-tale was written initially for a little boy, who was once so afraid of bees that he cut short the family trip from camping in the forest. He is not afraid of bees anymore. Louise wants to thank her parents and her large family for being the source of inspiration in writing the Children's Corner poems.​

GABRIEL GHERASIM
 
THEODOR AND US
 
REFLECTIONS
ON THE GIFTS
WITHIN US
 
Body and Soul
Chapter I
 
The name Theodor in Greek, means “Gift of God.” More ancient than the Greek language is its meaning in the original Thracian language, presently called Daco-Romanian, where it appears as Zeul Dor, meaning “Longing for God,” as well as Zeul Odor, meaning “Gift of God.” This ‘longing for God, or gift of God,’ is the human consciousness, spirit, life.
It took the advent of Quantum Physics to demonstrate that it is our intentions, thoughts and feelings, which influence matter, rather than the other way around.
       This book will concentrate on the interconnectedness of these factors, which make us perceive our lives one way or another.
       To be clear, the very term “human being” has shown that to us all along: namely, that we are made of a perishable part, finite, the “human” in us; and of an eternal, infinite energy part, the “being” in us.
While the “dust to dust,” flesh and bones part of us, has been praised, derided, obsessed over, or denied, including in our present century, sometimes ad nauseam, the electro-magnetic field and our thoughts processes, known alternatively as ‘aura,’ ‘intelligence,’ ‘cognition,’ or ‘soul’ have constituted a mystery over the centuries, culminating with the Communist denial of its very existence altogether.
So, the question raises therefore, are we beings having a human experience, or are we humans having a being experience? Much too often the being part known as ‘cognition,’ ‘gnosis,’ ‘soul,’ ‘intelligence,’ or ‘mind,’ is deferred to carnal experience or senses, equaled to matter instead of energy.
In fact, very often we tend to trade the ‘know’ for the ‘now,’ without wondering about the interconnectedness of the two.
It is based on this materialistic view that we choose possession of things and people, as opposed to being with things or people. Eric Fromm, in his To Have or To Be (Continuum International Publishing Group, London, UK, 2005), gives an example on how these two mentalities may affect us and the world: one poet sees a beautiful rose in the forest, he cuts it off, brings it home and puts it in a vase, after which he writes a poem on how beautiful this rose is; another poet, sees a beautiful rose in the forest, uproots it and transplants it in his garden, after which he writes a poem on how beautiful this rose is; a third poet, sees another beautiful rose in the forest, he approaches it gingerly and smells it, after which he writes a poem on how beautiful this rose is.
All three poets appreciated and wrote poems on how beautiful the roses in the forest are but at what cost for the roses in the first two cases?
 
 
GABRIEL GHERASIM

​THEODOR AND US
 
REFLECTIONS
ON THE GIFTS
WITHIN US

​Time out
Chapter II
 
 
Each day we are given to live is an opportunity for us to make a choice: do we want to progress, stagnate, or regress? Based on our choices, we proceed to think, feel, talk and act in kind.
As we set the intent to progress, for example, we also have to make a decision about what it is that we want to achieve? What’s important for me to progress to, can be related to self-esteem or self-worth values.
If it is self-esteem values I’m seeking, I will need to focus on my inner values: my character, my wisdom, my intelligence, essentially at values which I carry with me at all times, because they are inherent and an intrinsic part of me. These internal values are in my control.
      On the other hand, if it is self-worth values that I’m seeking, they are dealing with materialistic things, such as cars, properties, money and social recognition. These external values are in somebody else’s control.
When we lose control of our values, we become scared. When we become scared we become angry. When we become angry, we become emotional. When we become emotional, we fail to be logical. When we are not logical we react based on triggers which more likely will get us in trouble as opposed to responding based on lucid thinking.
The trick is to have practiced during the calm and trouble-free times, conflict resolution skills, so often, that feeling calm in the midst of conflict (and therefore, being logical), is second nature. This defies the natural order of cause-effect and yet, it can be possible, because it comes from a carefully and repetitively created habit of being.
        Having ‘unnatural’ reflexes is not impossible, just difficult to achieve. A ballet dancer’s erect posture and proud walking is one such example. However, for most of us, between being emotional and being calm, we need to acknowledge the importance of taking time-out. It is only after taking time-out that we can sensibly calm-down and use logic in addressing our concerns. This can be achieved by taking into consideration the respective consequences they would bring to our lives.
One example of repercussions coming from not taking time-out, before making a decision, came from a client doing private counseling sessions. He stated that it had taken him 12 years to go from Manhattan to the Bronx. Normally it takes 2 hours by subway, or 5 hours by walking, from Manhattan to the Bronx.
In his case, he recounted how one evening, while being penniless and drunk in Manhattan, he had decided to rob a person and get enough money for the subway fare, since he didn’t want to walk all the way to the Bronx.
He eventually attacked his victim, who happened to be a defenseless young lady. Besides robbing her, he also raped her. He was quickly arrested in Manhattan, shortly after his crimes and was sentenced to 12 years in prison, which he served in full. Only after that, could he return to his native neighborhood. It had taken him 12 years to go from Manhattan to the Bronx.
The stories of re-entry clients, trying to resume their lives as free people, after serving lengthy sentences in prison, abound with such tales. Impulsive actions, without the benefit of time-out periods and logical decisions being made before an action, triggered these individuals to victimize others and marked them for a life of decades of imprisonment, many other years of parole, or post-prison supervision, a permanent criminal record and many obstacles derived from the above. They say invariably, that had they only taken time-out before going ahead with impulsive actions, they could have averted for their victims, for themselves and for their loved ones the ordeals of lives destroyed.
​
GABRIEL GHERASIM
 
THEODOR AND US
 
REFLECTIONS
ON THE GIFTS
WITHIN US
 
Emotions
Chapter III
 
 
 
Emotions can be purveyors of beautiful experiences in life as much as they can be a source of endless pain. They come from our perceptions of our sensory world where we interpret ourselves and the world as being in harmony or in conflict.
Dr.Masaru Emoto, renowned Naturopathic doctor and pious Buddhist from Japan, married his religious convictions with his scientific skepticism by showing that water exposed to negative thoughts formed ugly and deformed crystals, while water exposed to positive thoughts formed symmetric and sublime crystals (The Hidden Messages of Water, Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, Oregon, 2006).
Since 80%-50% of our bodies are made of water (depending on our age), it only follows, that negativity generating emotions and positivity generating emotions modify not just our cognitive and sentimental essences but also the very physiology of our bodies. We can only extrapolate how our states of being affect our interactions with others, if not our very actions in the world.
Perception is the key to interpreting our environment. John Milton, (British author of Paradise Lost and Paradise Found), states this as follows: “The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven.”
Dr. Constantin Dulcan, a famous neurologist from Romania described this connection between the kind of thoughts we entertain and how it affects us, by stating:
Let us be aware of our THOUGHTS,
for they will become our EMOTIONS.
Let us be aware of our EMOTIONS,
for they will become our WORDS.
Let us be aware of our WORDS,
for they will become our ACTIONS.
Let us be aware of our ACTIONS,
for they will become our HABITS.
Let us be aware of our HABITS,
for they will become our PERSONALITY.
Let us be aware of our PERSONALITY,
for it will become our DESTINY.
(Dr. Constantin Dulcan, Reteta Fericirii, Gandul, Bucharest, Romania, 2016).
One example of perceiving our worlds, as Dan Puric, an internationally acclaimed Romanian actor, dancer and commentator discussed, is our paradigm on our connection to the society in which we live (Puric, Dan, Omul  Frumos, Editura Libris, Bucharest, Romania, 2009).
He postulates that if a person sees herself as part of a population, her interest is very minimal in regards to society. Her approach to the rest of the people is very individualistic, a ‘winner takes it all,’ ‘me, myself and I’ attitude. However, if the same person sees herself as being part of a people, then her sense of identity is fused with the society in which she lives (in terms of preset, past and future values of that culture). A sense of quasi automatic empathy is generated and the person thinks, feels and acts in terms of ‘we.’ A sense of community brings an implicit and explicit responsibility and expectation that one’s actions benefited both her interests AND the interests of her ‘people.’
We can surmise that man versus population will think, feel and act only for his benefit, regardless of the cost to others, whereas man and his people, will permeate his existence, in some cases leading to his supreme sacrifice for his community. People, ideologies, politics and religions, have thus acquired supporters who will transcend individuals, places, things and time, in order to experience that addictive feeling of ‘belonging’ so dear to human beings, since the beginning of time. They would thus become true believers (Eric Hoffer, The True Believer, Barnes & Noble, New York, 1951).
In order for people to feel that they have fully meaningful lives, they seek and try to find validation on four dimensions: intra-personal; inter-personal; intra-group; inter-group.
The intra-personal dimension is introversive in nature and covers areas of our identity which we find within; essentially, our thoughts (beliefs, perceptions), feelings and physiology.
The inter-personal dimension is extroversive and it involves our one-on-one communication with other individuals.
The intra-group communication is extroversive and it involves our functioning within our communities.
The inter-group communication, also extroversive, deals with our functioning in new or otherwise unfamiliar groups.
An American expression often equaled to defeatism states: “it is what it is.” While the journalists will be quick to list this as a circular argument logical fallacy, the truth of the matter is that even if this statement is taken at face value, it is not true. In fact, what’s more realistic is to state: it is how we PERCEIVE it to be. Therefore, particularly in a circumstance where we cannot change a fact, we can change the perception of it from negative into a positive one and therefore, we can think, feel, talk and act differently in regard to that situation.
Let’s take a pen and poke our finger with it.  Let’s call that a sensation. How we think, feel and act about it depends entirely on whether we perceive that sensation asticklish, painful, annoying, amusing, or pleasant. Even in an extreme case such as having one’s body being whipped with vengeance, the sensations from it usually perceived as being painful are sometimes perceived by some people as a pleasurable experience. A flourishing industry of dominatrix people, getting paid a good penny by such individuals to hurt them, stands testimony to this fact.
We can visualize a fact/sensation as the content in a bottle and the perception, as the bottle itself (context, container). The saying cautioning us: “not to judge a book by its cover,” is telling on how manipulation of the context by the advertisement industries can induce us to buy inferior products (content), often at an inflated price, based on their glorious, external presentation (context/ container). Similarly, we can try to ‘manipulate’ the context/perception of our paradigms, related to this or that situation, which we may be facing mandatorily, by reframing how we look at them, that is to say, from a negative into a positive perspective. Our context/perception is in our control, provided that we are reasonably sane in mind and calm.
In today’s Western societies we are often encouraged, if not tempted to seek and find instant gratification for our desires. In counseling terms, this is called the P.I.G. (the Problem of Instant Gratification). This is a problem because instant gratification can and does address the symptoms of our desires but hardly ever the core or the cause of them.
Let’s take the example of a head-ache. If I want instant relief, I go to a doctor who gives me medication. I take the pill which numbs my head-ache. Problem solved. But is it solved? Not really. For as soon as the effects of the medications go away, the head-ache reappears. This means that I have to take another pill to numb the symptom (the head-ache). The headache is there and I simply manage it by taking pills in perpetuity.
However, if I want to come to a resolution rather than management of the head-ache, I seek the cause of the head-ache and I try to eliminate it. Without a cause for the head-ache, there is no head-ache. For example, if I eat salty foods which give me high blood-pressure, which in turn constrict the blood vessels in the head and which give me head-aches, I go on a low-salt diet. Following the diet, the blood pressure normalizes, the blood vessels don’t get constricted anymore, which means that there is no more head-ache. By eliminating the cause of the head-ache there is no more head-ache.
Whether this approach is taken to address physiological problems or in regards to psychological problems, it is just as successful and permanent in its results. It should be said that a resolution approach takes usually longer than the management approach in showing results. Sometimes, both techniques are being used in addressing a problem but very often, today’s society and individuals opt for the immediate gratification/relief approach only, with its hopelessly temporary and insufficient effects and results.
With this distinction in mind, we can reframe our approach to our problems from management to resolution, in a wide array of areas, from stress and pain management, to their respective resolutions, which lead to long-term if not permanent beneficial effects.

GABRIEL GHERASIM
 
THEODOR AND US
 
REFLECTIONS
ON THE GIFTS
WITHIN US
 
LOVE
Chapter IV
​
 
 Returning to the theme of using the having mentality, instead of using the being mentality, we can address one aspect where this paradigm is ruinous for human relationships: love.
Love is energy and as such, it’s an emotion (as in e-nergy in motion). Energy has no beginning and no end. Energy is endless. Therefore, one cannot ‘have’ love but only ‘be’ in love.
The business model of “give and take,” which deals with material values (you can have my presence and expertise and I can take a check for giving you my time), never works, no matter how persistently the modern man is trying to apply it, in love. The definition of insanity, in fact, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
One can always give love and receive (be given) love but never ‘take’ it. The effects of love are phenomenal for one’s life; love gives life a superlative meaning. The famous Biblical quote of Corinthians 13, 4-8 describe its effects and eternity:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (The Holy Bible, New International Version, Biblica Inc, 2011).
Incidentally, the reason why Paul wrote that letter to the Corinthians was to emphasize to them the etheric aspect of love which was much confused by the Corinthians with the carnal aspects of lust. Paul wanted to create a clear distinction between the finite physical attraction of the human in us and the infinite energetic interaction of the being in us. When we confuse the two or deny the being-ness in us, we set ourselves out for superficiality and somehow expect that infinity will come about out of it.
Energy is forever, which explains its eternity. The beauty of this energy which we call love is given by the beautiful thoughts we entertain for somebody, a people, a religion, a cause or certain ideas.
The romantic relationship model we can follow can be summarized as: give and be given.
       The modern definition of ‘love’ is having a man or a woman as a partner. The functional definition of love, however, is being with a man, or a woman. Based on these definitions, we can deduce that too often we seek instant gratification, having-based relationships (having sex, having a spouse, etc.) and expect being-based results (being in love, being with a spouse, etc.). What makes love eternal is being with a partner intimately, being married and so on; in other words, we seek long-term effects by using instant gratification mentalities and actions. Not even the “internet” of our mind, the so-called rationalizations, can create the wishful alchemy of transforming one into another, no matter how much we insist that this can be done. It’s like planting an apple tree and expecting that we can harvest oranges.
For example, the up and coming athlete who buys the trophy house, the trophy car and the trophy wife, ends up often being divorced by the latter because unlike the car and house (things), she is a human (being). Treating human beings as ‘have’ values will lead to such failures, because the materialistic paradigms are not suitable and therefore are not attracting being values.
       The original writing of love (amore) in Latin was ad-mortem. Loving somebody often implied to death (ad-mortem). Some individuals throughout history decided tokidnap rape and/or kill their partners rather than lose them (“If I cannot have you nobody will”). Some parents may use the same skewed understanding of ‘love’ by telling their children, “I brought you into this world, I’ll take you out of this world.” These people are using having values for a being value. They are not taking into consideration the facts which are that love is energy, conscious energy at that and that as such, it can be freely given or received but never be taken as possession.
In fact, love (ad-mortem) has more accurately been interpreted as being selfless to death in regards to somebody/something else which we love; therefore, it was meant the other way around, where the loving person would sacrifice himself in large and small and large feats (economically, mentally, physically, emotionally, by giving up his life if need be) in order to safeguard the loved person or cause.
Because our thoughts (beliefs and perceptions) and feelings are entirely in our control (short of mental retardation, indoctrination, psychological, emotional, or physical trauma), they are in nobody else’s control, which is why not even God or Satan, or companies, or governments, not to mention other individuals, can control them. These entities may try to influence us, by seduction or terrorization and we may even display a semblance of submissiveness towards them, yet love is only freely given. When this happens, love survives people, places, events and times. In fact, the one who freely sacrifices himself/herself for another, or for a higher cause, survives through the ones (people/ideas) for whom he had sacrificed himself/herself  much like the seed which sacrificed itself in order to give life to a new plant.
We can only control our thoughts, emotions, words and actions, which explain the ‘give’ part. We can only hope that somebody will choose his or her thoughts, emotions, words and actions to love us. When this happens, we experience the ‘being given’ part. If we are not happy with what is ‘being given’ to us we can walk away.
        Some people try to influence others’ feelings by providing them with ‘having’ values, in the hope that in exchange for their material gifts the intended person will return ‘being’ values (such as loyalty, attraction, dedication, love). This exchange has as much chance of success as the reverse of it has. Yet, humanity has been following this fallacy of thinking and acting for centuries.
It’s a little bit like using the AM frequency wave band to receive FM radio stations; it’s not going to happen, because the frequencies do not meet. By not meeting they cannot be responsive towards each other until syntony is achieved and one source adapts to the other source’s frequency. When the two sources resonate with each other on the same frequency they can then, experience synergy. The definition of synergy is: the interaction and cooperation of two or more organizations, substances or other agents, to produce a combined effect greater than the sum of their separate effects (Wikipedia, San Francisco, 2016).
Let’s assume now that both the AM and the FM frequencies are a necessary part of our auditory experience, just as our selfish (reptilian) and selfless (mammalian) parts of our brain are both part of our identity. We need to balance these two complementing and/or opposing aspects of us (depending on the case) in a way that creates a harmonious experience and quality of life for us.
To use the analogy of the AM/FM wavelengths, what ties or “entraps” both is the internet (or the inter-network), which is able to provide both the FM/AM emissions and/or receptions of their respective frequencies. Inter in Latin means “between” and Network was defined as early as 1550’s in English as “net-like arrangements of threads” (http://www.dictionary.com). With regard to the reptilian/mammalian parts of our brain, this interconnectedness and balancing is done in an attempt to achieve daily homeostasis, mentally, emotionally, physically and subsequently, in terms of our actions.
The reptilian part addresses our ‘having’ values, i.e. material needs (food, shelter, water, sex, safety, comfort), whereas, the mammalian part addresses the ‘being’ values (love, empathy, charity, sacrifice –even in terms of menial tasks and actions, done to assist others out of love and love alone).
In today’s world, where we are reputedly pestered by commercial and political advertisement indoctrinating us in the opposite idea, that is, that we can get ‘being’ values by using ‘having’ values, making a daily commitment to deflect that perspective and in fact keeping the two values distinct in our heads, can be taxing to our energies. The good news is that we can reframe our thinking into this healthy differentiation of values and by sheer practice, it can become a habit of thinking. Once this mind-frame becomes automatic, it creates a sort of inoculation against treating the two values as one and therefore, it allows us to use healthy thinking, triggering healthy emotions, words and actions, leading to a holistic (or whole-istic) course of actions and experiences.  
In conflict resolution, reframing our thinking is paramount to changing the foundation of our existence from thoughts to emotions and to actions. The foundations of our beliefs are based on the first seven years from home of our existence (as they say in Romanian, cei sapte ani de acasa). That “de acasa,” (from home) is very important, because those beliefs will lay out our perceptions, used to see the world and what it is acceptable to do, to function in it. If what we think is ‘right’ contravenes to social, moral and legal norms, it’s just a matter of time until we install ourselves on a road ranging from dysfunctional relationships, to criminal activities (leading to unhappiness and/or legal problems).
Fortunately, our brain listens to our mind and even modifies its connective neuronets in accordance to the kinds of thoughts we entertain, by a process called neuroplasticity. Rather than likening our brain to the unchangeable cement, forming the foundation of an edifice, we can liken it to clay.
Clay is defined by Wikipedia as: “a stiff, sticky fine-grained earth, typically yellow, red or bluish-gray in color and often forming an impermeable layer in the soil. It can be molded when wet and is dried and baked to make bricks, pottery, and ceramics.” Therefore, there are two kinds of clay: the modifiable, molded when wet; and the immutable, baked clay. We can say that with regard to our brains, unless due to physical injury and/or organic diseases such as Alzheimer’s (which will “bake” our brains), the human brain remains malleable and open to reframing, like the wet clay, until the last day of our existence on earth.
             How one gets to his destination is also very important. She can follow her journey with enthusiasm and excitement or with resistance, fear and anger. I can do a task out of fear and anger (avoidance) or I can do the same task out of enthusiasm, trust and joy (or by embracing it). How I do it therefore, is as important as the doing of  it.
            In counseling, during self-reflection, the individual is asked before addressing any issues, to choose the rationale behind his actions: does he want to act out of the selfish part of his brain, or out of the selfless part of his brain? It is based on these perspectives, which will make the individual choose one path or another in addressing his issues.
     The selfish part of my brain (reptilian) caters to my survival; it also caters to my pride. If the survival part of this brain insures that I nourish and seek comfort, the prideful aspect of me, seeks simply the validation of my pride. If I choose to serve my pride, I can take actions and order others to act in a way that can actually jeopardize my own survival, which defeats the very original purpose of the reptilian brain.
            It is at this point that the mammalian brain can come into action, because its job is to find solutions to my problems, including when it means disregarding the needs of internal and external validations for my pride. This doesn’t mean that the evolved ormammalian brain has as main function one’s survival; in fact, often it’s quite the opposite. It is self-less, because it can chose one’s own sacrifice as a conscious decision, if that may be a condition to perpetuating the beloved ones’ existence.
             Can I have a better understanding of my thoughts, emotions and actions by having an ‘outside in,’ or an ‘inside out’ perspective? Perhaps both perspectives are complementary, provided that I am aware which ones of one’s mind one is using.
     In many psychiatric wards, patients are counseled in therapy, to distinguish and use carefully the three parts of their mind: the emotional; the rational; and the wise one (from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy DBT, School of Thought).
The emotional mind is the reactive thinking, coming up during highly emotionally charged circumstances. Logic has no say in it and it’s all about passion. The rational mind is all about calculating the pros and the cons of a situation and selecting the most reasonable outcome. It usually comes during still emotional waters and it’s all about logic. It is similar to the ‘mind’ of a computer, or of a sociopath’s. The wise mindemploys both, usually upon reflection and trying to combine harmoniously as much as possible the needs of our enthusiasm with the needs of practical approaches. This is called the wise mind, because, while it reflects logical components in its thinking, it also empathizes with the human heart and as such it’s basically compassionate logic. 
     Based on the wise mind then, we make decisions which may include at some point the need to refrain from exploding and to redirect that energy into a positive avenue, based on changing one’s perceptions from negative to positive ones.
     Refraining is a little bit like a cliff hanger holding on an edge of a cliff, for dear life, as he is suspended in the air. If he refrains from letting go, he’ll survive; if he’ll let go, he’ll fall into the abyss and die. 
     The concept of forgiveness is the prime (if not the primal) example of the wise mind.
            If changing one’s belief, from dysfunctional to functional is the foundation of the edifice we call our character, forgiveness is the solid ground we build that foundation on. For without forgiveness there is hurt and resentment. And no amount of healthy thinking, as strong as a foundation that would be to our character, can be and remain stable if it is built on the sand of negativity and conflict. Therefore, before any re-thinking can be done, the very ground of our foundation needs to be solidly positioned on love and serenity. These only come after abandoning and bringing to closure the conflict within (of ideas and/or between our ideas and the facts that create the paradigms of our lives).
     Generally, when we choose “me, myself and I” only thoughts, feelings and actions, we are well served in covering our physiological, survival and self-protection needs. When we choose “me and the group,” or “me and a cause,” sometimes “me less than the people, groups, causes” I love, we are well served in our seeing ourselves as protectors of others.
            Iconically speaking, the devil’s horns being portrayed in the back, or on the side-ways of his head, represent ego-based decisions. Conversely, the dot on the center of the forehead for Indians, The Ash Wednesday cross on the Catholic and Orthodox Christians’ forehead, the Tefilin box on the forehead of Orthodox Jews and the prostration marks on the forehead of pious Muslims, represent altruistic needs-based decisions (even when they are in direct contradiction of the comfort, or even of the survival of their religious followers).
     Being aware of these perspectives is very important in our healing, because, in order to heal from hurt, we need to let go of our resentment. Resentment emanates from the reptilian brain and is the survival, or proud ego, asking judgmentally, “how could they do this to me?” Letting go of resentment is about living in serenity, in a harmonious state, which can only come by if we forgive the sources of the offenses inflicted upon us over time (including on ourselves by ourselves), not because it’s right, but because it’s healing.
     Resenting is a little bit like drinking poison and expecting that somebody else will die; the only ones who are going to be poisoned are ourselves. Forgiveness looks not at “what’s right or wrong” but at what is needed for someone to live burden free, including being free from the burden of hatred.
            Originally, the word ‘forgiveness’ was written ‘give before,’ as in “Give before the LORD your cares and he will sustain you” (Psalm 55:22). Once one’s “cares” (including resentment) were dropped, there was no more burden on reliving them (re-living, or living them again). If we liberated ourselves from hatred we could love (ourselves and others). Over the centuries, ‘give before’ became ‘before give,’ ‘fore give’ and this in turn became the word ‘forgive’ of our contemporary acceptation of the term.
     In the precursor of Latin, the Thracian based Daco-Romanian language (Ledwith, Miceal Limba Romana https: //www. youtube. com/watch?v=sjlPGmWalIw), the term pai da-i(“donate to,” or “give away”) was coined and subsequently, various romance languages reflected this as perdono, pardonnez and  pardon (as in the English word for a governor’s pardon). They all mean the same thing as the Anglo-Saxon word forgiveness.
     In conflict resolution texts there are various perspectives on why and how to best approach forgiveness in victim/perpetrator dynamics. Among other things, they present the act of forgiveness as:
 1. Forgiving, looked upon as strength, rather than a weak act.
 2. Use forgiveness as a practical or psychological tool rather than just as an abstract or spiritual dogma.
 3. Understanding the value of forgiveness in reshaping the perception of past, present and future experiences.
 4. Understanding the benefits of forgiveness both internally and externally.
 5Concentrating on the good side rather than on the evil side of human beings.
 6. Understanding that survivors are outsiders no more, being active participants in restorative justice measures.
 7. Have a desire to heal broken relationships.
 8. Use past suffering memories as cathartic rather than an immutable reliving of painful experiences.
 9. Understanding the scapegoating mechanism and that the victim was not at fault for going through such suffering.
 10. Offering self-acceptance and praise for enduring unwarranted suffering.
 11. Separate actions from the perpetrators (forgive the perpetrator but not the crime).
 12. Use personal ordeals to work for justice.
 13. Create justice first and then expect reconciliation.
 14. Be an active participant in restorative justice measures.
 15. Receive reparations commensurate with the crimes and seek conviviality but not necessarily communion between victims/perpetrators.
     Forgiveness doesn’t come automatically for the former perpetrators from their victims. In addition to addressing the above appropriate steps for themselves, they’ll also have to: confess fully their crimes, take responsibility for the criminality of these actions, listen to the victims’ harrowing accounts of their suffering, be willing to relinquish their inordinate power in society (if still in power), be received back as an equal (rather than privileged) member of the society and pay reparations commensurate with crimes.

​
GABRIEL GHERASIM
 
THEODOR AND US
 
REFLECTIONS
ON THE GIFTS
WITHIN US
 
 
Knowledge and Wisdom
Chapter V
 
We can look at how much knowledge and wisdom are part of our lives. Knowledge can be imparted at will. Wisdom however, is a personal experience and in some cases, is non-communicable. Dr. Martin Luther King defined education as knowledge, plus character. Perhaps wisdom is just that: knowledge and character lived in an authentic fashion by the individual.
Part of wisdom is making a clear distinction between our desires/wants, abilities and needs. It is based on evaluating properly these three values so that we can then make decisions which are both realistic and meaningful to us.
Our accommodating of, or sometimes our pitting against each other, the reptilian part of our brain with the evolved part of our brain, in terms of desires, abilities and needs, is an arduous and often daily process, from which we try to choose what’s most important to us. In an ideal world, we would find a win-win compromise, between our ego (reptilian) and our solution-based (evolved) brain’s desires, abilities and needs. Sometimes, however, it’s a choice between the two opposites, in the clearest win-lose fashion.
Within the native tribes of the United States circulates a Cherokee anecdote in this regard. A grandpa tells his grandson the following story: “In each of us there is a vicious battle between a predatory wolf which wants our demise and a protective wolf  which wants us to be protected. The battle goes on day and night.” The grandson asks his grandpa: “Which one of the two wolves wins the battle, grandpa?” To which, the elder responds: “The one we feed the most” (http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html Legends/TwoWolves-Cherokee.html)
Abraham Maslow came with the Pyramid of Needs Model, stating that the primal needs (reptilian) would have to be met before acceding to more elevated motivations (Abraham Maslow, “A Theory of Human Motivation" in Psychological Review, 1943). Maslow proposed five different kinds of human needs, beginning with the most basic ones: survival. Physiological and physical needs such as food and shelter are followed by the needs related to safety. Next, there are needs of love and belonging. Forth, are the needs related to self-esteem, such as being respected. The final need in the hierarchy is the need for self-actualization (fulfilling one’s potential).
The problem with this hierarchy is that in actuality, different needs have different meanings (and therefore, different levels of importance) in people. Not surprisingly, the history books and contemporary times are full with cases of idealists who willingly bypassed and/or ignored all their needs for survival, safety and material wealth, in order to sacrifice their freedom, status, wealth and lives, for the sake of their nation, religion, their own families, or for various social ideologies.
Maslow’s and in general, the behaviorists’ insistence on individuals having to fulfill their safety and survival needs prior to moving on to higher causes has been used for many years for commercial and political purposes, via the A.B.C. Model or Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence.
According to this model, all human beings, when confronted with a certain antecedent, will react with the same kind of behavior, which in turn, will lead to the same consequence.
For example, if I get bumped in the subway, I shall definitely start a fight, which in turn will lead to bodily injury and Police contact. Yet, for some people, being bumped in the subway can be a minor aggravation, leading to no aggressive behavior at all. Therefore, without a violent behavior, there are no consequences of bodily injury and/or. Even in the case of people who had the tendency of having acted out violently in such circumstances, a change in perceptions and priorities, may lead them to shrug the bump off and move on without retaliation, or even paying it any mind.
Every day, we are given the possibility to progress, stagnate, or regress, at the thinking, feeling, talking/acting levels. Which ones of these roads we’ll take, depends on our own perception of what is important in our lives.
We find what’s important logically, based on the focusing on the consequences of our behaviors. In conflict resolution counseling, there is a distinction being made between the positions and the needs of a conflict.
For example, if two boys are fighting over the same orange, each asking for the whole piece of fruit, this is considered being their position. The average adult will try to resolve the matter by addressing this position and will slice the orange in half and give one half to each of them. Yet, this will make them equally miserable and thus, it will be a lose-lose outcome. 
However, if we take the time to ask them why do they want the whole orange, one might say that he wants the peel to take to grandma so that she can make orange peel cookies; the other one might state that he wants the fruit, so that he can eat it. Now we realize that the peel and respectively the fruit of the orange are the needs of the boys. By then giving one boy the whole peel and to the other one the whole fruit, we address the boys’ needs fully and therefore, we’ll make them equally happy in a win-win outcome.
Sometimes, the position may be the same as the need. For example, if the wife asks the doting husband, in which pair of shoes does she look better, when she wears a certain dress, she may actually be interested in his feed-back on color coordination, which makes her position the same as her need. However, if she asks the husband the same question because she needs affection, the husband better say that she looks splendid regardless of which shoes she would be wearing.
When we talk about peace of mind or good health or a good relationship, we talk about a steady balance in our lives or homeostasis. Homeostasis (homio-stasis in Greek), means of “the same state.” We can talk about a ‘dead’ balance such as a straight horizontal line, which designates material steadiness. This is what is called in medical terms a “flat line”. However, homeostasis for living beings is about fluctuation.
Fluctuation means energy, passion and life, while the flat line means indifference and death. What gives homeostasis one meaning over the other is our connection to the source of our lives, the energy which is part of our human being-ness. The closer we can be to our cognitive energy, which we call thoughts and feelings, the more our homeostasis will show a balanced and smooth fluctuation. In the old times, an individual well versed with his and others’ sources of energy was in fact a ‘man of source’ or sorcerer.
It might help us to discuss and understand the interconnectedness between our own source of energy and the universe’s. When it comes to our electro-magnetic field, we use words like inspiration, aspiration and expiration. These terms talk about the same form of energy, i.e. the spire, or the life-giving spiral shape. In the material form, we see the same spiral in the shapes of the DNA helix, the fingerprints and the tap water going into the sink, hurricanes, tornadoes, all the way to the Milky Way galaxy. In the symbolic form, we can see it in the shape of the musical key for the arts and for the exact sciences, we can see it spiraling in the form of the Caduceus (the traditional symbol of Hermes featuring two snakes winding around an often winged staff, used as a symbol of medicine, or to designate pharmacies). So our spire, spiral, spirit is about life, the shape of life, healing and the power of creation.
The ‘spiraling up or down’ of an individual is based on four levels: pre-contemplation (when I’m not considering any action); contemplation (when I’m visualizing it); preparation (when I’m taking the preliminary steps to reach a goal); and action (the behavior materializing the change). Depending on the frequency of this action a fifth level may occur, called maintenance (continuing the new path of thinking, feeling and acting a certain way).
There has been an ongoing debate between behaviorist therapists and cognitive therapists as to what is the best course of action for people who are seeking a change for what is better in their lives. Is it to modify their behavior and expect that the thought patterns will follow suit? Or is it that by changing their thought patterns (beliefs and/orperceptions) a changed behavior will follow suit?
Austrian-born Victor Frankl, a Nazi prisons’ survivor and the founder of Logotherapy, or therapy based on meaningful words, believes that what’s important to us will dictate in the end our perceptions, emotions, words and actions. Whether that ‘meaningfulness’ is derived from the reptilian or the evolved parts of the brain and involves a conflictual and vengeful existence or a peaceful and grateful one, depends entirely on our paradigms, as being acceptable by us and/or by the people, the places, the activities and the time in which we live (Frankl, Viktor E.: Man's Search for Meaning, Beacon Press, Boston, 1963-2007).

GABRIEL GHERASIM
 
THEODOR AND US
 
REFLECTIONS
ON THE GIFTS
WITHIN US
 
Awareness and Accountability
Chapter VI

The Twelve Steps used by the recovering alcoholics appeared originally in 1939 and were amended in 1953. They are:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
     11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs (http://ww38.alcoholicsanonymous.org/).
What may not be known very well is that Alcoholics Anonymous founder, Bill Wilson, had them classified in the following subcategories: establish relationship with God (steps 1-3); clean house (steps 4-9); spread the word (steps 10-12). Seven of the twelve steps deal with issues of accountability.
Accountability, or more correctly stated, self-accountability is an aspect of therapy, which could be considered the foundation of healing and which allows us to look at life with a sense of joy.
In a 2011 documentary called Happy (Wady Rum Films, San Francisco, 2011), the components of one’s happiness are listed as: 50% genetic; 10% external events; and 40% perception. Out of these three, it is the perception aspect on which we have 100% control and therefore for which we are accountable 100%.
When we talk about accountability, we want to establish to which part of our brain do we hold ourselves accountable: the selfish, primitive, reptilian, ego and pride fueled one; or the selfless, evolved, mammalian, idealist and compassionate one?
This is particularly important to address after a one time traumatic event or after intermittent traumatic events, which demolish our normal homeostasis (balance) and demand healing, before our resumption of a harmonious life.
       Expanding on the Kubler - Ross 5 stages of Grief  Model (https//en wikipedia. org/ wiki/ K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model),
I propose the following 8 Stages of Healing Model: Shock-Denial-Pain-Fear-Sadness – Anger - Bargaining - Closure Acceptance//Forgiveness.
An individual may go through this cycle of healing sequentially or by jumping between stages, in no particular order. She may linger briefly or for years in one stage or another, until full closure is achieved. While each stage has its own difficulties and impact on people, it seems that the facing and moving away from anger is perhaps the hardest stage to pass. 
Rich Pfeiffer, in his Anger Management Curriculum (Pfeiffer, R. Growth Publishing, Tucson, 2012, pp. 4-5), lists some characteristics of people with anger problems: low frustration tolerance; judgmental and critical reactions; perfectionism; all or nothing thinking; possessiveness; poor communication; punitive behavior; addictive personality; and use anger to demonstrate power.
He distinguishes between healthy anger (as a motivation for change) and unhealthy anger (as a pretext for [self] abuse).
We have to establish the fact that anger is a secondary emotion to fear and therefore, if we want to comprehensively resolve our anger, we have to first address and resolve the fears which are triggering the anger.
One way of doing this lies in knowing our brain’s functions better. We already addressed the front/back functions of the brain. How about the lateral functions of the brain?
Rich Pfeiffer describes them as follows: the left hemisphere is in charge of verbal communication; logical and organizing abilities; ability to focus on reality; details and micromanagement. The right hemisphere is in charge of: visual communication; imagination; spatial abilities; creative abilities; feelings exploration; and macro-management (Pfeiffer, R. The Anger Management Curriculum Growth Publishing, Tucson, 2012, pg. 21).
Also, in learning to use our consciousness for the betterment of our ideas and lives, we may focus on our interactions with ourselves and/or the world, at the conscious, subconscious, unconscious and supra-conscious levels.
The capacity to make conscious decisions is one of the things that are human. We make choices and decisions all the time. Some are logical, some are emotional. Some decisions we make instantly, some take us extensive planning.
    1. Conscious decisions are fully aware decisions. We use the information which is available to us, evaluate the pros and the cons calmly, look at them from the short-term, medium-term and long-term perspective and we use consequential thinking in order to come to a decision. We take full responsibility for each decision, knowing and feeling that it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. We are aware we take decisions and why we take them.
2. Subconscious decisions are based on our past experiences, and on our personal beliefs, as to what it is acceptable in our eyes and in the eyes of the society we live in. Our subconscious plays a major role in our decision making process. Often we think that we have a choice but the way our conditioning is, determines the outcome of the decisions. We are aware we take decisions but not why we take them.
3.  Unconscious decisions are the decisions we make while we are not really aware of making them and therefore, we cannot explain why we make them. These can be decisions made out of habit or generally, doing something without thinking about the consequences for ourselves and of others. Crimes of passion are often committed at this level of thinking. This is the autopilot mode where we give control of our lives and often blame others for the consequences. We are neither aware we take decisions nor why we take them.
     4.  Supra-conscious decisions are “made” for us in the form of inspiration. Inspiration or being in the Spirit, implies that we are in contact with a higher power (or the Creator power) whose counsel we have opened up to and who is communicating with us. There are many reported ways to achieve that connection with the universal wisdom which may range from prayer, meditation, psychedelic drugs, music, dance, poetry, writing, to painting. We can focus and attract creative energy as much as we can focus and attract destructive energy. For the other side of the sun is the black sun just as the other side of creation and love, is destruction and hatred. We are not aware we take decisions but we are aware why we take them.
We can think of meditation as focused awareness of our minds’ and our bodies’ interactions with ourselves and with the world. An adage states that if prayer is us speaking with God, meditation is God speaking with us. Meditation is helped by the time, space, duration, posture (position) and the kind of breathing we chose.
 One pivotal role of meditation is breathing. In regard to this, from professional dancers, actors, singers, orators, to professional athletes, they are trained very early in their curriculum about the importance of the diaphragmatic breathing. This kind of ‘gut breathing’ much like laughter, manages to send copious amounts of oxygen up and down the body without relegating it to the upper body area only, which is the case with regard to the breathing from the lungs. While the lungs do the mechanics of breathing, the diaphragm does the intensity of breathing.
Laughter also known as “the best medicine,” is a form of the deep inhalation used from yogis to babies which is related to the diaphragmatic breathing’s benefits to oxygenate the whole body, with its integrative and complete breathing system. 
Meditation in itself, from its deep breathing to its dual focusing on intentions and/or to solutions, has helped its practitioners to reduce pain in their bodies, to reverse non-curable diseases (through a process called Imagineering), to find clarity in their thinking, to become humble (in the selfless meaning of the word), to become grateful, to invent various schools of thoughts and material creations, as well as, to connect themselves with the entity we call God. 
There is functional thinking (thinking that helps us progress in life) and dysfunctional thinking (thinking the makes us stagnate, or regress in life). Some of the dysfunctional thinking types are all or nothing thinking, should, catastrophizing, over generalizing, minimizing/maximizing, personalizing, jumping to conclusions, labeling, defeatism (also called learned helplessness) and denial. In terms of denial we have denial of facts, intentions, damage and responsibility. 
All these dysfunctional thinking types are set aside from our thinking, by using the method of suspended judgment. When one suspends her judgment, she opens the door to know and understand her interlocutor from the interlocutor’s perspective. One’s personal judgment can resume at any point in time, yet suspending it, even for brief amounts of time, allows for an impartial look as how the person to whom one speaks, sees herself. Suspended judgment allows us to use empathy and compassion as a means to reframe our world views by understanding the plight of others. It also is conducive to try and find a mutually accepted compromise, from the win-win perspective, regarding my interests and others’.
There are six basic steps to resolve conflicts:
1.  Evaluate your understanding of the situation, your feelings regarding the situation, your needs regarding the situation and what realistic incentives can you have, to encourage others to cooperate. Understand that forcing, or coercing compliance from the other stake-holders, may only give short-term results, whereas seduction/inspiration of others, may lead to more long-term changes, fitting our goals, in regards to them.
2. Find peace within yourself regardless of external pressure. If one has integrity, she is fine with her decisions, regardless of the external feed-back. In fact, the very definition of integrity is “doing the right thing even when nobody is watching.” We have the innate ability to mentally overcome everything except death. This should give us the certainty of peace, even under the most drastic circumstances. Whether we choose to use this ability (resilience) or not, is up to us.
     3. Listening carefully. This is the first step to dialogue and involves open ended questions (what, where, when, why, who and how), instead of close-ended questions (requiring the more limiting yes/no answers). These 6 w questions are important because they allow for our interlocutors to describe their feelings, thoughts, positions and needs without them having to use reductionist and simplistic monosyllabic answers.
4. Recognize conflict issues. Very often we confuse position issues with needs issues. Because of that we try to solve conflicts between positions, which would be like treating the symptoms of a disease instead of its causes. For example, if I go on a low-salt diet, instead of taking a medication to numb the head-ache generating from the high-salt related high blood pressure, I solve the need to fix the cause of the problem instead of just addressing the effect of it.
5. Select an appropriate time and place to discuss issues. The rule of thumb is if all parties (or just one) are emotional, they are not open or capable to use logic. Therefore, calmness is needed to be achieved, in order to be able to think and act logically rather than reacting based on anger. In addition to a calm attitude, making sure that the stake-holders are well-fed, well rested and hydrated before engaging in conflict solving discussions is essential, in order to avoid distractions from logical dialogue due to physiological needs.
6. Treat each other with respect. Respect involves a certain team-work paradigm as opposed to the selfish, individualistic mind-set. Selfishness is instant gratification based and dictatorial, as opposed to selflessness which is more prone to compromising and defers to long-term solutions its needs for the sake of win-win goals. 
Rich Pfeiffer, in his Anger Management Curriculum (Pfeiffer, R. Growth Publishing, Tucson, 2012, p. 4) gives a list of five repercussions, which are triggered by an angry person:
1. Cognitive: memory problems; inability to concentrate, poor judgments; seeing and seeking the negative of a situation; constant worrying.
2. Emotional: moodiness; irritability; and short-temper; agitation; inability to relax; feeling overwhelmed; a sense of loneliness and isolation; depression, or general unhappiness.
3. Physical: breathing problems; aches and pains; diarrhea, or constipation; nausea; dizziness; chest pain and rapid heartbeat; loss of sex drive; ulcers; frequent colds.
    4.Behavioral: eating insufficiently, or in excess; sleeping too much, or too little;isolating yourself from others; procrastinating, or neglecting responsibilities; using alcohol, cigarettes and/or illicit drugs to relax; nervous habits (nail biting, pinching of the lips, pacing).
5. Social: bring resentment into a loving relationship; bring suspicion into a trusting relationship; bring destruction into a creative relationship; being involved in the legal system, due to criminal actions.
With mindful attention, and correction of our beliefs, perceptions, intentions, words and actions, we may redress our focus from negativity to positivity, from reacting to responding and from focusing at what we cannot do anymore, to concentrating at what we can still do, that is, from a spirit of love, joy, laughter and gratitude.